5 Self Help Books To Reverse Unhealthy Filipino Cultural Norms For Future Generations

Navigating life as adolescents, we know nothing, we can only inherit traditions and mannerisms that are passed down to us from our parents, which have been passed down to them from their parents, and so on and so on. But what if instead of us building-up future generations up, we have been pushing them down, limiting their full potential by reinforcing bad habits simply because “that’s how Filipinos have always been”? You might even be saying to yourself “that couldn’t be me!” Well let's take a look at 5 Filipino cultural norms that might be affecting your mental health and lifestyle but more importantly, 5 books that can help reverse the damage for future generations. Whether you have kids, plan to have kids or spend a lot of time with your nieces and nephews, these books will not only help you navigate raising children with more awareness but can also help reframe a lot of the toxic mindsets you grew up with.

1. The Toxicity of “Bahala ka sa buhay mo!”

I think it’s safe to say we have all heard this phrase at one point or another in our lives. However, if you’re the fortunate 1% to have not heard this statement, it translates to “Whatever, it’s your life; you can handle it,” and that exact phrase is the haunting echoes of disapproval from our childhood- especially since we’ve heard 99% of it use in the negative tone. How does this condition us as young adults to feel? It gives the impression that our parents will abandon us and invalidate how we feel, simply because they do not agree with the decision we are making at that moment. You’re on your own. 

What can we do to fix that? We as parents (future parents) can learn better habits to communicate how we feel while also teaching our children how to make decisions while reassuring them that they’re not alone. Of course that doesn’t mean we let our children do whatever they want and we support them unconditionally. But there is so much power in any situation knowing that you are exploring your boundaries but have people in your corner to lean on, creating more emotionally mature children.

Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids by Hunter Clarke-Fields does just that. Managing your own emotions as a parent and modeling that is key for your children and furthermore key on how they will raise their own children. Shauna Shapiro, PhD, professor in the department of psychology at Santa Clara University says “Raising Good Humans is a loving and honest road map that teaches parents ways to skillfully navigate challenges, as well deepen joy, connection, and love with our children.”

2. The Judgemental: “You’re too skinny / You’re too taba!”

I never understood what good it did to tell children this over and over. Did my aunts and uncles think this was helpful or playful? Did they believe that my 10 year old self paid for the meals that I was consuming? Maybe there was a little truth to what was being said but how they said it can have ramifications of body shaming, issues of self worth, people pleasing, and reinforcing yet again the idea of not being cognizant of how our words can affect our mental health. 

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series) by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish is an excellent starting point to figure out how parents can better engage with their children, covering issues like:

· Coping with your child’s negative feelings, such as frustration, anger, and disappointment

· Expressing your strong feelings without being hurtful

· Engaging your child’s willing cooperation

· Setting firm limits and maintain goodwill

· Using alternatives to punishment that promote self-discipline

· Understanding the difference between helpful and unhelpful praise

· Resolving family conflicts peacefully

Go back to your childhood and recall all the unhelpful things adults would say to you that would cause you to retract and feel insecure. It’s time we put a stop to the phrases “You’re too skinny” and “You’re too taba” and be the change, to start engaging with our kids in a more healthy manner.

3. The Professional “Push”: “You should be a nurse because it makes good money!”

I get it, parents want what’s best for their children. We have already discussed how we can better communicate how we feel and how we can learn healthier habits when engaging with our children. But have we talked about supporting their dreams? Specifically pursuing a career in the arts! Because let’s face it, Filipinos have too much talent as singers, dancers, and actors, to be forced into a profession they don’t want to be in. So how do I learn to encourage my child to chase their dreams? By feeding your inner artist and showing them that it’s okay to tap into this taboo world that is frowned upon in Filipino Culture. 

Steal Like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative by Austin Kleon is a personal favorite of mine that lays the basic groundwork of how to nurture your art and tap into your art. Your child may have a passion that is destined to burn a path and trailblaze the way for future artists to come but right now it’s just a small ember that is fragile and teetering on the cusp of thriving or being snuffed out for good. You may be saying that you have no art and this book won’t be of help, well wouldn’t recognizing ways to help your child be the best in their field be the ultimate help when all is said and done? All I am saying is, read this book and be the #1 fan to your child because at the end of the day, we all want what is best for our kids, right?

4. The Discriminatory: “You’re getting too dark!”

Raise your hand if you were ever complimented on how fair your skin looks or worse, have been given papaya soap to help make your skin lighter? Because we can only truly love ourselves if we look like the celebrities we see on TV right? Such a silly idea to idolize fair skin and shunning at the possibility of getting dark. And although the quick fix would be to stop telling these lies to our kids, I think we can take this one step further and show them what IS important in life. A fulfilled life through love, friendship, and kindness.

You might be wondering how a book with pictures (my type of book by the way) has made its way to a list on mental health. But trust me when I say The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackey is an enchanting story that follows our diverse cast of characters that pulls on your heartstrings involving “a world of infinite kindness, wisdom, mutual care and tenderness, and true love between real friends.” which was best put by New York Times bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert. This book was designed with the idea that you can turn to any page and take away something to warm the heart and remind you of what’s important in life. Having just won an Oscar for “Best Animated Short Film”, go back to where it all started, a novel featuring a boy, a mole, a fox, and a horse, with images all handpainted by the author himself. 

5. The Denial of Mental Wellness/Illness: “Mental health problems aren’t real!”

I’ve experienced firsthand the disconnect with older generations of Filipinos about the stigma that mental health and mental illness are not real. Not to mention the notion of wasting money to talk to a therapist about how you feel. I hope with information about mental illness being more available to our generation, we will be able to catch the signs of illness like depression or anxiety at a younger age. My hope is that we will walk with our kids to help them be aware of what they are experiencing and how to properly navigate the situation instead of dismissing and belittling what they are going through. 

Me and My Feelings: A Kids' Guide to Understanding and Expressing Themselves by NBCT Vanessa Green Allen, M.Ed., is the guide your kid needs to do exactly what the title says “understand and express themselves”. Finding out what causes feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, can be the best prevention to uncontrolled mental illness at a later age. Possibly simply identifying emotions that lead to these illnesses can be the precursor on how our children can better manage their condition and what it looks like to not let it define who they are. 

The fragility of the child’s mind is a vase being poured into by the environment around it. Are we pouring rocks and shattering how they see themselves? Maybe we aren’t pouring enough and we are neglecting them, leaving them unsure of how they actually feel. Whatever the case may be, it’s better to be over prepared than underprepared. So be the model that your inner child was craving and catch up on some reading to ensure that your child has the nurturing our parents never received.

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Written By Niko Del Rey

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